Saturday, 3 December 2011

Creating my own whole messy small world



After traveling abroad, living my lonely experience and coming back again to the country of my heart (which is not longer so), I told myself “well at least you must stop being messy” and you just have to open the door of my room, of course if you can, to realize I haven’t changed not even a pinch, actually, I think I’ve turn my messy style into something a kind of creepy.

And I can’t really understand why, believe me I’ve had to bear the one hundred millions of times my mother has asked me, from whom did you inherited such an ugly manner? or why are you so messy?.

I can foresee what my mother is thinking in those instants. She might probably be thinking, what have I done to deserve this mess?, why she doesn’t answer such a simple question?. Well mom,  trust me If I had had an answer, I surely would have told you already, yet, as I don’t, I’m not going to bother myself trying to find a suitable answer. And even if I could find an answer the odds are 9 to 10 that you would be even way too upset with me for giving it to you.

So please let’s be honest, I’m 26 years of which almost 20 of them I’ve been a complete disaster, it means that my mother has spent 20 years of her life trying to change the way I am by nagging me as much as she can. 20 years of her life in which she could perfectly have done something pretty much interesting. I don’t know a lot of things come up to my mind, reading, singing, making fun of someone, I don’t know at least trying to be happy.

So let’s make some maths; My mother desperately ask me to tide up my room at least 2 times a day daily, if we multiply 2 per the 3 or 5 minutes she spends doing it it’ll give us a total of 70 minutes per week, now, if you want to know the outcome per month we can simply multiply it for 4, which are roughly 280 minutes or 4 hours and 6 minutes per month. but what is really concerning is that my mother has spent around 46 days of her life on that matter.

Well, 46 days are not a big deal, but if you think carefully, 46 days are more than the days needed for traveling, for reading a book or just for getting relax.

So, what’s the moral of all of this.
First, it doesn’t worth trying to change some people’s habits. Don’t stress yourself doing it you only will end up losing your time.
And second, I’m not going to stop being messy, even if my mom waste more of her time trying to persuade me.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Why one keeps on insisting on sharing with someone if you can be as miserable as being on your own?

Slap in the face


I can’t help myself feeling frustrated, I have this burning feeling inside of my chest; It’s not leaving me alone and it’s getting bigger and bigger.

This awful sensation It’s been along with me my whole life and it seems is not going to set me free till the day I die.

I’m just simply tired of working hard to obtain things I want and I even way too tired of hearing people telling me I must be happy and grateful for all the things I’ve already done, sure, maybe I’ve reached more than the average person in my country yet, it doesn’t mean I should be conformed whatsoever.

It’s hard for me to accept this is my life,  what I have to live and that I probably won’t experience all I would like just because I’m a citizen of a country with a lack of opportunities, or with opportunities for few who have enough influence or power to make them work according to their convenience.

Can someone tell me how can I do to persuade my brain and let it understand the reality in which I’m living in? it is inevitable to compare reality against what I’ve seen and lived and it’s slapping me blatantly on the face. I know comparisons are not healthy at all but I can’t help it. Probably it’s the root of my despair.

I remember like if it happened yesterday the chitchat sessions with my Russian friend Maria in which we used to talk about our fears and outlooks about our lives; For the first time in my life I felt myself understood, I know Maria is one of the few who feel exactly how I feel, her empathy towards my situation helped me realize I’m not the only one.

Situations in which we accomplished our goals but few moments later the cheerful feelings of glory seem to banish leaving for us just a bland taste in our mouths, have become on the day by day of my life.

Happiness seems to be something so ephemeral to me, drifting in the air moving as the wind goes allowing me to catch it for minimal instants, leaving as a result the dissatisfaction I’ve already accustomed to.