The Y path

I’m crazy, I really think I do.

Sometimes is even hard for me to believe the things that cross my mind, the things I do, and the skilled way in which I seem to release myself from those uncomfortable situations.

Well sometimes I say to myself, it is ok you are intelligent enough to make everything work as you plan and in fact it seems to be like this since things work. However, something or someone inside of me is telling me constantly “one day things will go wrong, you can’t fix every thing, every time and as your will predict”

Now, I’m in that part of the way in which you find two different paths to choose, neither of them has the option of regretting and even though I’ve been trying to get around with the situation the moment of truth is getting closer as it must be. The pressure has started affecting me and I know this will be something is going to be out of my control, my hands are not going to be enough to deal with what’s coming.  

I’ve always waiting for a change in my life. I’ve never been what I would like to be. I’ve always been frustrated in spite of my success, I mean, I’ve done what I’ve proposed for myself to do. Nevertheless, when the change knock at my door I’m more than pleased to answer with a huge smile, but too scared to take the challenge. Definitely the chance is there and it’s completely different to what my dreamed life used to be, yet, looking back I realized I didn’t really have a north. I used to live a life longing to be someone else, someone not like me, clearly my future was an ephemeral desire of becoming someone else.

I’m between being the insecure person I’ve always been doing the same dull things I’m used doing, catching up with same friends who are not my real friends and the same people I’m surrounded for who seem to be busy, mentally tired and necked enough to remain loyal when you need them and yet, it’s a way in which there is every thing I know and I love. The world I’m still clinging to.

I can either choose being a new person involved in new traditions, believes, perspectives and all new things changes brings with them even the fear to the unknown which at the end it would seem to be the motor and the thrill of things worth living.

Deeply inside of me, I know taking risk is not for cowards. Most of the people throughout the history has achieved success taking risks, challenging others showing them they were the ones who were wrong, making clear that whether you want to change something or not is entirely up to you and if you really want to make difference you must stop doing same things over and over.    

Despite of the inner analysis it’s hard to turn words into practice, and sometimes I feel like one of these priests trying to convince people about things they are unable to implement in their own lifes.

Anyway, I must deal with the things life throws on my way. In some point of my life I might have to take drastic choices, maybe not the right ones, yet definitely mine because no one will choose for me and no one will take the responsibility for it.

Pros of this writing exercise: I think I have answered myself my own doubts.

Cons: I figured out I should have keep on being the same selfish person I was. When it comes to take important decisions thinking about others is not helpful at all.